No Homo
by Corvin
Summary: Of all the blind dates Gaara had been set up on, this was the gayest.


AN: I know, I know, I have updates to be working on. Lay off me!

I disclaim Naruto and all characters from Naruto.

* * *

><p>"You're the worst type of person." The redhead glared at the man in front of him and sighed. "I swear to all that deities I've ever heard of you're going to pay for this."<p>

The bass echoing through the room was nearly deafening, but Sabaku no Gaara knew that Uzumaki Naruto knew perfectly well that a threat was being conveyed. Naruto was shrinking back, but he still looked far too amused for Gaara's taste.

They had been friends for years now, and he, Gaara, was seriously beginning to regret that. He'd never had a girlfriend, and once they'd gotten out of middle school, no one had really cared. But now, ten years later, Gaara found himself the victim of Naruto's obsessive personality.

The obsession?

Naruto refused to stop setting him up on blind dates. A string of failures eventually led to the inevitable jokes at his sexuality's expense, which in turn led to Naruto's inevitable idiocy. Of course, normally he would have immediately put an end to the antics but...

"Don't make me do it." Naruto patted his left coat pocket with a sorrowful look.

Gaara's animosity decreased but only by a few decibels. Damn Naruto and his ability for inopportune pictures. "That's a guy." He turned his head and glared through the strobing lights of the club at a handsome man sitting at a table. Sure he wasn't like _that_, but Gaara could appreciate an attractive person when he saw one. The long dark hair was an indistinguishable color in the poor light, but his skin practically glowed against the darkness. His build was strong but lithe and his clothes were tailored to fit and show off perfectly.

Gaara shook his head. "You're insane and I hate you and I never want to see you again."

"Gaara!" Naruto grabbed his shoulders and screamed over the music. "Come on! Just give it a chance! He's 'straight' too but he promised to be cool."

He'd caught enough to quirk a skeptical brow.

Naruto grinned. "No homo, okay?"

"So much homo..." Gaara shrugged Naruto's hands off and stalked towards the table where the gorgeous man sat.

* * *

><p>Gaara fell into his seat and scribbled on a napkin. <em>I'm here against my will.<em> He pushed it towards the other man and crossed his arms. His scowl deepened when his note received a chuckle.

The man took a pen from a pocket inside his coat and wrote a response. Gaara leaned forward and snorted. _**I know, Naruto warned me about you.**_

And so began the napkin conversation.

_Did he warn you that I'm straight? _

_**I got that, yes. **_

_Then why are you here? _

_**You know how annoying he can be. He seems to think we'll get along. **_

Gaara chewed his lip as he wrote the next part. _I like you better than him so far. What's your name?_

_**Neji. **_Neji chuckled. _**I was already told your name is Gaara.**_

_Yeah, so what now? _

_**I don't actually like clubs. Want to go somewhere far away? **_

_Yes I do. _

* * *

><p>They found a bar a few blocks away that was half empty and quiet except for muttered conversations between more sober patrons. After ordering their drinks at the bar, Neji led Gaara to a booth where they sat opposite each other.<p>

Gaara glared. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Why - are you a happy drunk?" Neji stretched his long legs out under the table.

"I'm a stabby drunk."

Neji smirked. "You're incredibly un-intimidating." He ignored Gaara's indignation in favor of asking the bartender for a menu.

"This is the worst date I've ever been on," Gaara grumbled. "Not that this is a date."

"The worst?" Neji carelessly scanned the listed cocktails.

It was probably the best. "The worst."

Neji waved the bartender back over and returned the menu. "I'm driving so I'll have grapefruit juice. He'll have a Fuzzy Navel." The bartender snickered and set to work.

Gaara chewed on the inside of his bottom lip. "You're not funny."

"He'd disagree."

"I want to leave after this." More people were starting to trickle in and the atmosphere was losing its tranquility. Also, he didn't like the man handing Neji some juice. People shouldn't smile that much - it was obnoxious.

"After one drink?" Neji stopped sipping through his straw to grin at the highball glass in front of Gaara.

"Yes," Gaara hissed.

* * *

><p>"MiMi's Café?" Gaara eyed the dim surroundings. The weather was warm even at night so they sat outside on the patio, away from the other patrons. "This tastes weird."<p>

"It's a Mimosa." Neji had spent the last ten minutes calmly sipping his tea while Gaara complained about every little thing. "Don't drink it if you don't like it. I'm paying for it anyway."

Gaara shrugged. "I'm thirsty," he complained before taking another obscenely large gulp and smacking his lips. "So how did you meet Naruto?"

"He knows my cousin."

"Oh wait... Hinata, right?" Gaara asked and emptied his cup.

"Yes, your third blind date. She came home crying."

"I remember her." The drink actually hadn't been bad. Gaara wanted to get another, but the waitress hadn't come back out after delivering their drinks. He would make sure it came out of her tip. "She stuttered way too much. Do you beat her?"

Neji chuckled. "No," he replied.

"Just no?"

"Just no."

Gaara remained silent and stared at Neji suspiciously.

It was a few seconds of awkward silence before Neji glanced away from his cup and at Gaara. "She's been like that for a long time. I don't know why."

Gaara shrugged. "Anyways," he said, pausing to take a drink. "Got a job?"

"Yes, I work with my Uncle," Neji replied and set his cup down to rest his chin in his hand. "What about you?"

"Minimum wage job that I hate," Gaara replied dryly.

"That's too bad. Are you in school?"

"Don't have the money for school," Gaara answered. He leaned forward a bit and rested his chin in his hand. "Bet you're rich, though. If not, you spent all your money on that car."

Neji grinned. "It's vulgar to talk about money."

Gaara saw Neji's back straighten with pride and smirked. "Why is it vulgar?" he asked.

"Because one never knows how much something like that will mean to another person." Neji leaned back in his chair and stretched out his legs under the table like at the bar. "Do you like my car?"

"Well, I've seen better," Gaara replied, his smirk widening into a small smile. "But it's pretty nice."

"I like to keep things practical."

"Practical is a Lincoln MKZ?"

Neji's grin turned Cheshire. "It's roomy."

"Maybe enough for a person or two," Gaara said nonchalantly while examining his glass.

"I'll give you a tour when we're done eating if you think you can refrain from complaining about the air or gravity or some other travesty."

"I'll make sure to find something more realistic to gripe about, then," Gaara said.

Neji covered his mouth with his hand when he chuckled this time. "Oh, I trust you to." He looked around. "You can start with where the hell is our waitress?"

Gaara snorted. "Fuck this place. Let's leave," he said and stood up.

"I have to pay for our drinks first."

"There she is," Gaara muttered and pointed to their waitress.

"Hey guys, sorry about that, I got a little tied up." The blond woman approached their table rapidly after spotting them through the window. "Have you decided what you'd like?"

"The check."

"Try not to get 'tied up' this time," Gaara said.

The waitress looked appropriately embarrassed before she scurried back inside.

Neji looked at Gaara and raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to stand until she comes back?"

Gaara defiantly shifted his weight to one hip and crossed his arms wordlessly.

"Cute."

Gaara flushed a bit before he made a face. Just as he was about to prove how "cute" he really was, the waitress came back with their check.

Neji threw a careless twenty into the little booklet and gave it back. He led Gaara off the patio towards the parking lot. "Hey," he patted Gaara's lower back, "relax, no homo."

"So much homo," Gaara grumbled.

"If we're not eating here, do you want to go somewhere else?"

"Let's go to Sonic," Gaara said. "They have good milkshakes."

"No, they don't," Neji stated and pushed a button on his keychain to unlock his doors. "Get in the back."

Gaara glared at him and asked, "Why?"

"Because I'm giving you a tour. Try and tell me at least five people couldn't fit."

"I'll be sure to." Gaara opened the door and climbed into the back seat. He scooted to the far side as Neji climbed in after him and shut the door.

"See? Huge."

"Dude," Gaara said as he leaned back against the leather upholstery. "Really?" He shifted a little when Neji stretched out beside him and put an arm on the back of the seat. But when their distance remained appropriate he relaxed again.

"Are you going to take everything I say as innuendo?"

"Oh, God." Gaara slapped his hands over his face and groaned.

Neji laughed. "Did you just think 'in your end-o'?"

"Yes." They grinned and then fell into silence.

Gaara sighed as he stared through the windshield at the few stars visible through the light pollution of the city. "You know, when I moved here from the desert, I didn't realize how much I'd miss the sky."

"I get that."

"...So are you mad at me for making your cousin cry?"

"No." Neji moved his arm down and wrapped it around Gaara's shoulders. "Would you think I was a horrible person if I told you I thought it was hilarious and that's part of why I agreed to come out tonight?"

"Kind of, but that's fine." Gaara laid his head against Neji's shoulder. "So are you masochistic or what? Were you hoping I'd make you cry too?"

"I was mostly curious."

Their eyes met and Gaara sighed. "Is this seriously going to happen?"

"It's fine." Neji placed a lingering kiss on the side of Gaara's mouth. "As long as balls don't directly touch."

"That works," Gaara said as he climbed into Neji's lap. Their mouths met, open, heated, and hungry.

It probably helped that he'd had a couple stronger drinks at the club and then one at the bar and whatever Neji had ordered for him in the café. Gaara's head felt hot and fuzzy when he cupped Neji's face in his hands. Was it a good idea to be doing this? Neji's long fingers running up and down his bare back were a reassurance that it was. Still Gaara felt apprehensive.

He couldn't say how long they'd been at it. The windows were fogged up, Neji's shirt was open and at some point Gaara's black jeans had been removed.

"Your nipples are tiny," Neji's voice was husky and muffled because his mouth was pressed against Gaara's chest. He'd been biting a lot and Gaara was sure he'd be plenty marked up later on.

"Feel free to stop if you don't like it." Gaara's hands ran back into Neji's hair and yanked angrily.

Neji bit down. "We talked about the hair." His hand trailed around Gaara's ribs and down his stomach to rest on his thigh. "Hey, lie down."

Gaara never got the chance because a bright light shined through the window and blinded him.

"Hey! You can't do that here!" An older woman with a flashlight tapped on the window. "Move it along, kids."

Neji ran his tongue slowly up Gaara's neck and then smiled at the woman through the hazy window. "Should I take you home?"

"I guess." Gaara flipped off the lady and then moved off of Neji to look for his pants. 

* * *

><p>"Thanks for the ride." He wasn't wrong about the hickeys. Gaara examined himself in the mirror and shook his head. He was going to regret this as soon as he was too sober to blame alcohol.<p>

"No problem."

Gaara glanced over and saw Neji cringing. "What?"

"I'm sorry about that."

"I have to go." Gaara leaned away when Neji reached out to touch the bruise on his neck. Neji withdrew his hand and looked at Gaara's empty street.

"Alright. Can I see you again?"

Gaara glared through his window at his dark house. Kankurou either hadn't bothered waiting past ten or he'd decided to go out as well. Either way there was no sibling to conveniently show up and break the tense atmosphere. The alcohol had been working its way through his system and in the past few minutes his mind was catching up with him. "I'm not sure."

"Okay."

The even reply surprised him and Gaara huffed, "You don't think it'd be weird?"

"I don't, but if you do then I guess that's that." Neji smirked. "I don't want to threaten your sexuality or anything."

"You _don't_ threaten my sexuality."

"No?"

"No."

"Then there's no problem." Neji leaned over Gaara and pushed open the passenger door. "Bye-bye."

Gaara climbed out but didn't close the door. "That doesn't mean I agreed to it."

"I'll call you sometime."

Gaara slammed the door shut at the flippant tone and made it three steps away before he stomped back and opened the door. "Tomorrow. No homo." He slammed it again with more vehemence and this time made it all the way into his house. He trudged to his room and collapsed face down on his bed. _So much homo_.

The End


End file.
